Getting lonely here at Blogster. I guess there really was a mass exodus.
Today was one of those days. Days for contemplating and reflecting and second-guessing all of the choices I've made over the past year and a half.
I'm out of town visiting my parents (am at mom's now--already recapped dad's). I have to stay busy or I think to much. Not much to do here, so I had a lot of time to think - which is probably a good thing. Maybe me staying busy and distracted is a way to avoid deep thinking.
I've ruminated all day long about my decision to divorce my husband. There's lots of reasons it would be best if I tried to reconcile. Finances, security, my kids. Those seem like big sacrifices to make. I'm feeling selfish and foolish. He was a good provider and let me do anything I wanted. He just didn't want to do it with me. But he was good to me. Spoiled me actually. I can recall very few bad times (other than when my kids were involved). He wasn't perfect - I wasn't perfect.
Couples are everywhere. Young, middle-aged, old. They know who will take care of them when they are sick. They know who will buy them a Christmas present, who will make their birthday special. They take vacations together. The live life.
This year, my birthday was such a disappointment. Three men in my life - hubby, good friend, and jman. And not one single gift. This is the life I am resigning myself to if I continue my current course of action.
I want to celebrate milestones - birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines. Hubby always remembered those things.
I want to go on vacations. To take trips. I'll never get to see New York, Hawaii, Paris, San Francisco. All because I was selfish.
I don't want to be alone and lonely. At least when I was married, I was just lonely.
2 comments on Regret
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I totally understand the keeping busy thing. This is why nights are the hardest. I know it's hard when you are feeling lonely and it does seem like that's when it's suddenly lovers everywhere you see! I know that soon you will probably read a post where I doubt myself and I'm going to give you my best advice for now because we both know that our feelings can change from moment to moment.
Keep the good memories but mourn the end of that "kind" of relationship. Then since you know that you deserve way more than being married and lonely, you look ahead only. That is where your future is. We can't rewind ((hugs))
You will have all those great things and more when you decide you deserve to be happy. It's all there...in the future.
Oh Gwen said it all and said it so beautifully--Just know that you have a support group here.