Good ole' dad. You know, we can't pick our family, we can only pick our friends.
Since hubby has the 7 yo for a week (downside to this divorce), I needed to run away. Can't stand to be in that house alone. Cleaned it well this morning, did all the laundry, fed the animals, and got in my car.
(There is a point to all of this, please bare with me.)
Dad lives in an apartment about 30 minutes from his "home.' As I've mentioned before, wife and girlfriend don't add up to a happy home life. So stepmom #2 lives on ranch, dad lives in apartment, girlfriend sits and waits. Anyway, since I'm such a creature of torture, I thought I'd run away to see the parents for the week or next several days. Am here at dad's in college town. Went to his "swanky" hangout (as opposed to the bars he usually hangs out in.) He's a regular, so we got the five star treatment. Owner is a total cutie, by the way.
Sat at the bar, drank a lot (so much for my new live a better life resolve), Had a five star meal. Two local 30 something chickies came in and sat beside me. Instant buddies. Both hairdressers. both fun, both total white trash. They wanted me to go dancing with them, but Dad said I needed to go back to his house with him (did I mention I'm 45?). Probably for the best. I could see myself getting in way over my head going out with these two chickies (J- something you would have enjoyed.)
I wasn't with Dad for 15 minutes before he started asking about Mr. Available and Mr. Unavailable. Being a serial cheater, he's seen it all, done it all. So I guess he knows way more than I ever will. Basically, he told me Mr. Unavailable is only in it for the sex. No matter if it's once a week, once a month, or once a year. If I cut him off completely, he'll make a quick exit out of my life. Dad made me feel guilty about Mr. Unavailable's family, and Mr. Available.
Now matter how much I tell myself Mr. Unavailable loves me. No matter how many times I think we are different from all of the other illicit relationships, it will never be true.
Dad said, if Mr. Unavailable wanted me, he would have chosen me months ago. There's no future there. What do I expect to happen? Have I thought about his wife? (Remember, Dad is a man who is on his third wife, with the fourth waiting in the wings.)
How can I argue with his logic? He's a serial cheater. He knows it all. He knows how men think.
So, once again, I'm left feeling like a fool because I thought our relationship was special, was different, from all of the other illicit relationships out there. (My Mr. Unavailable was different from all of the rest!)
Seems it all boils down to two things: 1) sex 2) wanting what you can't have.
So with Mr. Unavailable away for a week - with his family - I have lots of time to ruminate. Deep down, I've known all along it was for the sex; I just convinced myself otherwise to justify our acitons.
J - If you read this, you know this is the truth - our truth.
6 comments on Mr. Unavailable
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OH Queenie!!!! I am so sorry reality has hit so hard. My reality hit too! We are living parrallel lives aren't we? Take care and know I am thinking of you and experiencing the same sadness and foolishness. You Are not alone!
I know what I need to do...I just don't know that I can. For an intelligent person, I sure am making a lot of stupid mistakes and choices. Maybe our parallel lives will continue.....with the good things that lie ahead for both of us
may not have been a pleasant conversation with Dad but it sounds like one that helped you make realizations you already knew. (heart)
I wanted so much to believe that my situation is different, that my affair is different. But I guess so does every other mistress on the planet.
The truth can hurt. But, once that hurt "settles" and you see/feel things for what they really are, it is a little easier to let go and move on. Your father told you "as things are", without all the mushy sentiments that you feel and cloud your reasoning. That bluntness seems cold and hard to swallow, but it is basic truth. Now, after thinking and going through all that you have been going through up to this point, and now that you've heard this and are letting it "hit home", you will be facing the time that you will definitely be ready to shake it off and move away from it. Scary and somewhat emotional, yet optimistic and exciting. It can also be a relief, and I'm sure you would love to have some relief in your life soon.
Relief? That would be the best thing to happen to me in a long time. Still no end in sight for the divorce. Health issues still going on. Looking for a better paying job - and losing the man who has half my heart. If any of those thingies wrap up - plop, plop, fizz, fizz....oh what a relief it is!