It's official....."D" day has come and gone. I've been hiding behind labels my entire life - now I have one less to hide behind: wife.
My Dad tried to prepare me for the emotions the day would bring, telling me no matter how bad the marriage was or how much I wanted out, the actual day would be overwhelmingly sad. An understatement if there ever was one......
I hope this feeling of absolute failure goes away soon. I don't see my marriage as a failure...I see all of the effort as failure. I see the ugliness of the divorce as failure. I see the pain of my children as failure. Even my love is a failure. It can't pick the right person.
I thought the tears were gone...but here they are again. I not only lost 27 years of my life to an ugly, bitter divorce - in a sense I've lost one of my children. He's an adult and is responsible for his thoughts, actions, and words. His father's unhappiness has created a raging hate for me. My son has called me a bitch, a whore, and blames me for eveyone's unhappiness. He told me I should have moved away, and left my family. Everyone would have been better off. There are moments where I think he is right. I don't know how to mend our relationship. Everyone tells me I can't do anything. It is up to him. Maybe when I'm a bit stronger, I'll try to talk to him. For now, I can't take his anger and hatred.
So it's over, I'm one less person that I used to be (wife), and life goes on.
Now what? That's the million dollar question of the day.
(I did the cliche' divorcee thingy and got drunk last night.....
. Wonder what other cliche' thingy I'm supposed to be doing?)
16 comments on It's official
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Thanks for your thoughts.
*HUG*
Thanks for the hug---very much needed.
it natural to grieve. hang in there through this tough time. You will find the right time to talk with your son.
I hope you're right and he wants to be my son again - sooner rather than later.
i know how you feel. when my divorce was final i thought i would be nothing but happy that it was over, but i was wrong. i cried...and i didn't know why. You didn't fail, just like i didn't fail. I think of it as a learning experience and it's made me who i am today. Keep ur head up girl. It'll be ok.
Thanks for the positive thoughts. I need to keep my head up, but out of the clouds!
Oh Queenie... I'm so so sorry!
My heart is aching and breaking for you. I so feel your pain and wish I could take it away. That chapter in your life is closed and now you can start anew. Take Care and know I'm thinking of you! I'll be getting drunk too sooner than I thought!
Thanks for being here through all of this......I'll be here for you when your time comes.....it was really a lot more emotional than I expected. But it's over and time to start anew.
The end of something is the beginning of something else.... maybe now this is your time :)
Thanks for your thoughts......it is time for me - just have to figure out what that means.
Queenie, I know this is very hard, sad, and scary. Divorces do make a person either cry or kick up their heels...very seldom anything in between. You do whatever you have to do to get past this, but just remember that you WILL get past this! You may not see it now, but this really is a time to celebrate...this is the step, as painful and horrible as it is, that was needed to finalize things, to sort of put the period at the end of the sentence. Try to look at the bright side of things, too...you can pick yourself up, brush yourself off, square off your shoulders, and march forward. This divorce really does have a symbol to it, you know, for it took place just before Independence Day...the day to celebrate independence.
Thank you for making me smile Donna -- Independence Day, huh? Great thought!
OH my...I am soooo sorry. I hope your son comes around eventually...but I think you are wise to stay away for now. You don't need extra grief. One thing at a time.