Well, it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood......and that is the only positive thing I can conjure up at the moment.
Dad called and told me - for at least twenty minutes - that I'm a fool and a quitter for the settlement I've agreed on. In his eyes, a ten-month divorce with over $15,000 in legal fees (both sides) to date is nothing. His last divorce cost him over $45,000 in legal fees (his alone) and took over two years. I tried to talk, choking back my tears and he gets upset because I need to get a grip. He's under more stress than I am and I need to learn to deal with it better. If anyone ever wonders why I didn't cry for the first 43 years of my life - here's the answer. It's a sign of weakness and seems I'm not allowed that.
He then proceeded to inform me he could "help me out" but can't afford to keep me in the house I'm in (which is on the market, as I know it is not something I can handle.) I haven't asked him to help me out, just as I haven't asked anyone for much in my entire life - because it always comes back as a slap in the face or with strings attached. So is it any wonder I don't ask for help or accept very willingly from anyone?
I'm in the car with good friend during this call, so he hears my side of a very private conversation. He wants to buy my love with all the gifts and shopping sprees he can talk me into, proceeds to tell me his gifts and acts of kindness come with no strings attached. Whatever. There are always strings attached to everything. His are committment and control (in my eyes at least. But then again, I am suspicious of everyone.)
Suspicious of everyone except the one person who has stolen my heart. And he is the one that continually lets me down.
I'll never be good enough for dear old dad, and I'll never be good enough for the one that I love.
All I want to do is cry a torrent of tears, but my brain won't turn them loose. It's a sign of weakness, don't you know?
4 comments on It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.......
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Go ahead Cry!!! Then cry somemore!!!
Throw yourself down on your bed, kick your feet and cry!!! You'll feel better for it,remember there is nothing wrong with a good cry!!! It will make you feel better!!!
Queenie... we are made from the same cloth! I think a lot of our mess comes from the desire to be accepted from dear old DAD! It doesn't change anything but there seems to be some relation. The question is.... how do you stop it!!!!! You should cry, if you hold it in, your body will release it in other ways. Pain in different parts of your body. If you need to cry, Cry and do it with your head held high!!
I think he is right, Crying is indeed a sign of weakness, the western propaganda of "If you need to cry, then cry" was made by the weak for the weak. I feel crying should be done, When pain is inflicted, the tears follow. But crying in public can also be fine if you know they wont take advantage of your situation.
Your dad i feel just wanted to make it clear that he cannot help. Your good friend buying you things can be an act of friendship, similarly how you would give ice cream to a crying child. Your love for the one who lets you down is not love, it is simply one sided infatuation. At your age you should be aiming for something more mature and responsible than be in ecstacy over someone who lets you down.
My advice concerning this, Its best to forget old wounds, It is hard, infact it can even be impossible. to forget it impossible but to move on in the sheer light of it all is wise. the constant pain will always be a reminder and the pain never really goes away, but it does not mean your life can not be filled with laughter. You have lived approximately half your life, statistically speaking. Move on and live the other half with much more happiness than the last.
-Crucify