When I found out about my hisband's affair, I don't remember being upset that he had physically betrayed me. What I remember most is being crestfallen at the way he had treated me for months. I suppose in an effort to make him feel more justified for his actions, he was not kind or respectful. There wasn't really anything I could put a finger on, I just knew that for months I felt like somehow I was to blame for his changed behavior. The worse he treated me, the worse I felt, the more stifled our relationship became, and he somehow felt justified in sleeping with her. Deep down, I knew. I even confronted him about it, about her, but of course he denied it and kept on. I ended up pregnant during their affair, and had a second trimester abortion. The memories of that day still haunt me. He continued on his affair, and I closed myself off to him, my kids, everyone.
I don't remember exactly how it came to be that I found out. I do remember to this day almost every word, every detail of the conversation we had that day. I asked him if he loved her, he said yes. I told him to leave and go be with her if that was what would make him happy. Out of obligation to his family (the boys were 1 and 3) he stayed. She stayed employed at his company, and I was supposed to be okay with that. All of his employees knew. His business partners knew. My father even knew. Seems I was the last one to know. We went to counseling for several months and supposedly our marriage was "healed."
I'm an expert at pushing things to the back of my mind, focusing on other things, and forging ahead. So that is what I did. I went to work full-time and still had two toddlers to take care of pretty much by myself. He worked long hours - not out of necessity, but because it was easier than being at home. We had planned on separating and divorcing, but I could not support myself and the boys. So instead, we moved. Another distraction to focus on. We had another child. Another distraction to focus on. I wish I could say I was a good mother, but honestly, I wasn't. I was depressed and angry at the world. My typical modus operandi ruled our lives: instead of focusing on me and fixing myself, I found distractions of all sorts to keep me busy: volunteering for whatever I could, being the perfect soccer mom, baseball mom, other moves, another child.
The exterior package was perfect: family portraits in matching clothes, daughter always dressed like a doll, I never left the house looking less than perfect, two dogs, a cat. It was all there. But the interior package was shattered, fragmented. No one was happy. None of the kids got the attention they deserved. My depression and anger kept me from expressing the love I had for them. The whirlwind of our lives afforded hubby and I the opportunity to avoid our relationship.
We were the perfect family - or so it seemed to the rest of the world.
Here we are twenty years later. My kids payed the price for my refusal to repair what was wrong, for my refusal to look in the mirror and fix those problems instead of creating others to focus on instead.
I could say the disrespect from his affair has ruled our lives, but looking back I realize there never was much respect between us to start with. He cheated, I cheated. We just stopped caring - or maybe we never really cared in the first place. In turn, our children never learned how to respect themselves, their parents or others. They had nothing to mimic, nothing to go by. They don't know how to be responsible adults, all because their mother decided years ago to not look in the mirror. So I'm doing now what should have been done twenty years ago: looking in the mirror and fixing myself and the mess of a life I've created.
If anyone asked me for just one pearl of wisdom gleaned from my marriage, it would be: don't stay married for the kids. They suffer the most. Two healhy, happy parents living apart has to trump two unhappy parents living together. Give your kids role models. Show them how to be happy. Show them you respect yourself and others. What a huge responsiblity these kids have to shoulder, knowing that their parents stayed in an unhappy marriage for their sakes.
P.S. So sad....in rereading my post, I realized the word love was mentioned once. This is my entire adult life - and looking back, love never played a role in it. May God forgive me for squandering the life he gave me.
9 comments on Don't Stay Married for the Kids
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So very sad to have gone through so many unhappy years. No, you are exactly right. My hubby now was divorced and a father of three. He has felt all kinds of guilt about the divorce, but I told him that staying together would have only damaged his kids even more. He was in a terrible loveless relationship also. Over the years he has come to realize that his decision was the better one. When he younger son was married and had a child, he and his wife planned a trip to Vegas. They asked us to keep their son and had papers drawn up for us to get custody if anything happened to them. I thought that this was a wonderful tribute to our marriage. It is much easier for one to look back and see the mistakes. When we go through terrible misfortunes, we can't be objective about things. You did what you did in order to survive--good or bad.
I'm so happy for you and your husband that you found each other. And happy for his kids that they get to see you two love each other. I want that for my kids one day -- to see their mom - and even their dad -- in love. I hope it's not too late.
This is such a great post that seems to be a sign that keeps pushing me towards leaving...
Gwen---you will know. There will be a defining moment of some sort. Hopefully nothing as drastic as mine....maybe a dream, maybe a sign from above. As long as their is doubt in your heart, maybe it's not the time.
Hindsight can be the hardest punishment we put on ourselves. Yes, "if you knew then", you might have done differently. So, of course it feels like squandering. But, whenever a person does what is believed to be right, with the right intentions, it isn't squandering. Maybe a mistake, which we all make, but not squandering. Squandering would be if you did nothing. You say you did nothing about certain things, along certain lines, but it isn't because you did nothing at all. You weren't squandering if you were trying to keep the family together to give your kids a family instead of a broken home, you were trying to spare them from seeing all that was wrong so THOSE things wouldn't scar them. And you did all that with the knowledge and pain of all that was happening. Sounds like it was quite a job to me, something you had to be really busy with almost non-stop for a lot of years. What you did, though, didn't work out the way you hoped it would and you somehow feel you failed. But, it wasn't all just you...remember your husband? HE has an awful lot to do with this, too. So, you can't go back and you can't undo the past, but you can work on the present to make a better today and tomorrow. Once again, you can only do the best you can and, once again your intentions are good. You are on the right track, so take those lessons learned from the past (the ones where you neglected YOU and taking care of what was wrong) and you will fix your life. Maybe it'll be a little later than you would like, but your kids will have quite a darn good role model in their lives if they can see a woman who sacrificed and endured so much, and then picked herself up to become the "new" woman even SHE can be proud of!
You always manage to say just what needs to be said!
Donna---I wish you lived next door. Your pep talks do me good. Everyone keeps saying my kids will turn around and be proud of me - in time. No one can define how long in time is though.
Everything happens for a reason. I should have left years ago, but it wasn't the time. I wouldn't have my 7 yo, I wouldn't have made wonderful friends, I wouldn't be who I am now.
Honestly, I'm pretty proud of who I'm becoming. I still screw up, but I forgive myself now. What a relief to not have to be perfect anymore!
None of us are perfect, God made sure of that so he would not have any competition but he loves all of us anyway. Do not be so hard on yourself. Hindsight is always 20-20, the past is gone and you cannot change it, the future is tomorrow and awaits you. The present, today here and now, is a gift from God to do with what we can to make our lives better. We are all a work in progress. Congratulations on being able to forgive yourself....that is a big step.
I am so glad we found eachother. I find great comfort in knowing I am not the only person to have done what we did! Not that I would wish this on anyone but it is nice to have your support and understanding! Hind sight is 20/20 and we can't rewind time!