Depression 2

"Sometimes it is harder to deprive oneself of a pain than of a pleasure."  F. Scott Fitzgerald , Tender is the Night
US novelist (1896 - 1940) 

This goes hand in hand with my previous post, Depression. 

Memories of high-school rushed back upon reading this quote.   I did a full-blown thesis paper on this novel.   Almost thirty years later, I still have that paper and know exactly where it is.    I can hardly remember to eat these days, but I know where meaningless crap is stored decades later.  Go figure!

I often wonder if my depression causes me to make poor choices or if my poor choices exacerbate my depression.  Sort of like the chicken or the egg question.  Probably no right answer, but lots of arguments for both sides.

Poor choices, poor judgement, stupidity, naivete, any or all of the above - where can I lay the blame for the never-ending cycle of bad decisions?     

Am I denying myself pleasure because I don't think I deserve it?   Do I continue with the cycle of self-destructive life choices because I'm afraid of happiness?  Would I really know how to handle happiness?   If you aren't sure you would know it , does that mean you've never experienced it?

I think I want to be happy, to experience pleasure, to have contentment in my life.   But I continue making decisions that will never get me there.   So I guess for me it is harder to deprive myself of pain than deprive myself of pleasure (happiness, contentment.)

Tender may be the night, but three o'clock in the morning is still a lonely place.