D-I-V-O-R-C-E

I

I'd love to be quoting Tammy Wynete right now:                                                  "Our d-i-v-o-r-c-e becomes final today," but it ain't a happening thing.  Still shooting for this decade though, optimist that I am. 

I don't know if anyone out there in blogsterville actually reads this stuff or not. If you do, please reply.  As Confucius say: "Two heads are better than one."

Why is dissolving an indifferent, unhappy marriage so challenging?  Why does there seem to be one party in a divorce that has to dig in his heels and be an all-around pain-in the-a**?  After 24 years of matrimony, shouldn't things be pretty amicable?   If you didn't care enough to argue or fight while married (that would have required passion and give-a-s***)   why would you do that now?  Division of assets should be a no-brainier.  He gets half, she gets half, BOOM, it's over and done with.

But who sets the bar at what is half?  If you are self-employed and are adept at "cooking the books," would you not agree that the books YOU have posted are figures everyone can agree upon and work with?

And what about mediation?  If you are paying $ to two lawyers and a mediator, would you not come prepared to negotiate and attempt to reach a settlement?  After 8 hours - grueling hours I might add - we are back at square zero.   (Which is behind square one - not a good thing!)   If at all possible, we are farther apart from agreeing on ANYTHING than we were when the morning began.  What a waste of a day out of my life and $.  Isn't the whole point to give and take so both parties walk away with some dignity and satisfaction?

When one party comes prepared with facts, figures, etc., and the other party shows up with nothing - that should be a sign that the day will be a waste.  If I take YOUR numbers and proffer a settlement (which is in your favor according to your numbers), what's the problem?  If you offer me a settlement and I say great - this is so fair, I'll take what you're proposing for yourself and you can have what you offered me, would that not be fair?  Seems that's not the case.  What you consider equitable for me isn't so equitable when the tables are turned.

I would have done this sooner, but I was doing the "right" thing.  Staying married for the sake of the kids, for financial reasons, for appearances, etc.  The list goes on and on.  But in the end, it's happening anyway. 

The hopefully-in-this-decade ex-spouse has shown his true colors.  Which I always knew he would.  Another reason I postponed the inevitable.  Shame on him for being mean, shame on me for being stupid.

To those of you who stay married for the sake of the kids, for financial reasons, for appearances, etc:    Wake up and realize that the inevitable will happen, if not sooner, then later.  If you wonder everyday if it will ever get better, if a certain milestone will make a difference (I was pinning my hopes on the 20th anniversary), if the indifference and loneliness will not matter at some point,  know that any of those things or numerous others won't make a difference.  These reasons, excuses for staying in a loveless, indifferent marriage will only postpone the inevitable - and eat away at your soul and life in the process.

Kids need to see happy relationships if they ever hope to have one.  We all model our behaviors on what we grew up with, what we observed, what we experienced.  If your child grows up knowing nothing but indifference, anger, unhappiness, etc., how do you expect him to have a life any different than that?   Do you want your child living the life you are?  If your child were in your shoes, would you be satisfied with the choices he made?  What advice would you profer him?  Would you say "You made your bed, now lie in it?" or would you tell him to cut his losses, deal with it, and get on with his life - and live his life to the fullest.

Tim McGraw says to "live like you were dying."  Who of us can say "Gosh, today was so great, if it was my last day on earth, I would be satisfied with no regrets?"

If you are happily married, I envy you.  Stay with it and work on it to keep it strong. 

If you are hanging in there because it's the "right" thing to do - shame on you.  You deserve more, your spouse deserves more, your kids deserve more.  Happy parents beget happy kids.  Unhappy parents beget unhappy kids.   Prozac, Cymbalta, Lexapro, etc. shouldn't be crutches to live day-by-day.  Try living YOUR life instead.  It's amazing what the freedom to be yourself can do for your soul.  

For me, living a life of indifference was robbing me of my soul and my spirit.  I was turning into a shell of a human being.  Nothing more than a robot going through the motions day-by-day. I finally realized  I just didn't have any more years of my life to give away for the sake of others.

Life your life.  It's the only one you get.  There are no do-overs.  Life is what happens when you're making plans.