I believed in him. For some inexplicable reason, I trusted him, had faith in him, thought I understood him. But as time goes by, I wonder if any of it was real or just something I made up in my mind. If I created the person I wanted him to be, and ignored the person he was. He has hurt me too many times to count. A hurt that I’ve never experienced before. Yet I keep going back, knowing it will happen again, but hoping it doesn’t. Lies flow so easily for him, it scares me. I doubt sometimes whether I even know the difference between his lies and the truth. Why he has such control over me, I’ll never know. Well, maybe I do. I gave him all of the control. I’ve allowed him to run this relationship. His rules. His needs. His wants. His demands. His. His. His. For each and every heartache he caused me, I apologized, accepting the blame where I had no fault. He always has an excuse that puts it back on me. I expect too much is his biggest excuse. I have had some health issues of late. Expecting him to be there for me is too much. I accept that he can’t be there in person, but he disappears altogether. Yet he always shows back up. Seems he can’t go without seeing me for more than a week at a time. (Go figure.) When he needs me, I’m available --- too available. When I need him - POOF!! - he’s gone. I degraded myself immensely this week. Stooped to a level so low that it seems surreal now. I’ve allowed him to put me in this position, where I’m begging to be seen, to be touched, to be loved. Sad, sad, sad. I’m a capable woman, a smart woman, an honest and kind woman. I’m told I’m all of the things a man could want. Yet here I am, lost in this convoluted mess I’ve helped create. I thought he loved me. I thought I loved him. But what we have isn’t love. It’s sick and disturbing and unhealthy for everyone involved. Maybe writing this out will help me finally cut the ties, close this chapter, and start a new one in my life.
11 comments on Chapter Closed?
Add a comment
To add comments without entering your email and image verification, you must be logged in. Login or Join Blogster
Wow, that is beautiful. I am so sorry your soul has to be so disturbed like this! That is terrible! I wish I could offer you a hug right now.
Really though, that was put beautifully, like a true writer.
There's a story of this street with a pot hole. Many have fallen in and have suffered much pain. Yet those that have fallen still travel this street. I speak from experience, eventually I chose a different street.
There is life out there sometimes it has to find us. MAWOY
I've been in this position and I do think that putting it to writing will help you to let it go. (hug)
Queenie... I'm so sorry you are still in so much pain. I so understand and hope that you find some emotional closure.
I'm sorry he isn't able to give you what you deserve!
Oh my! I could have written this a few years ago. It took me awhile, but I finally cut those ties and have been worlds happier since I did. Unfortunately, my ex decided to end his own life 2 years ago.....about 2-1/2 years after our divorce. He was a truly troubled man. But his lies, his selfishness, they were more than I could handle anymore. Like you, he had a way of turning everything into being something that was my fault...he couldn't quit smoking because he would come home and I was smoking......when I quit, his excuse was because he had a stressful job and shitty bosses. Always someone else to blame. When I had some health issues, I had to basically beg him to go with me, although I'd been by his side through a billion health related things he had gone through...not because he asked me to go, but because I wanted to be there. It cut like a knife to have to ASK him to go with me. I could not believe that he wouldn't WANT to be there.
I am so thankful that I finally moved on. And have since found the man of my dreams...the man who WANTS to be with me, no matter what. Blogging about it can help. If you're interested, you can go back into my old blog posts and read the very long article about the turn of events that helped me to move on with my life.
Hugs to ya'll from me here in Missouri!!!
Dang it....now I can't find where to add you as a friend! I used to be able to do it by clicking at the top of the screen to "Add Friend"....I'll figure it out!
Hearing from others who have been in similar situations provides some comfort.....life goes on - I just have to make the decision to move forward. I look forward to reading your earlier posts.
Thanks.
(I thought ya'll was strictly for us Texans:)
I really have nothing productive nor creative to say except to let you know im still alive by this post.
But more on topic. If you get hurt, and it builds up and its not easy to forget the previous hurts, Then you really dont deserve nor are ready for a relationship. a long term relationship is about getting hurt, recovering and becoming stronger with it with your partner. Marriage and long term relationships are about putting your head down and getting through the difficult parts of life.
I dont know the details of your relationship specifically. nor do i claim to be some form of expert. Just a spectator. If a girl keeps getting hurt, if a woman keeps getting hurt. And she keeps blaming it on the man, saying he lied, he was selfish, he cheated, he was dishonest. Instead of thinking such minor things, ask yourself "why" did he do this, Did you lack something, did you lack trust, love, friendship, openess. Its easy to say what he did, but the why is what is more important.
-Crucify
Interesting viewpoint. Thanks for sharing.
You know, queenie, I stayed with my ex a lot longer than I might have because he had a medical condition...so I felt it was my duty to stay. I prolonged my feelings of anger and hurt because I believed he loved me and I had invested a lot of love and time into him and our marriage, plus I needed to have someone in my life because I did not want to be alone. But, when I really couldn't take the lies and verbal abuse and immature behavior any longer, I left...but the guilt that built up was inside ME! For walking out on him, for not being there to take care of him, for failing. No wonder I returned when he begged me to come back...it felt good that he had reassured me of his love for me and how much he needed and wanted me. But, it was all lies. He just wanted me there because that's what he wanted and didn't in any way change how he treated me or cared for me. All of this made me sick emotionally, plus I'm sure it helped escalate another problem that was materializing...what I call the shockwaves from abuse I experienced from earlier times. When it became obvious that "something" was wrong with me, he had no concern, compassion, understanding, love, support, or anything. He went about his business as if all was fine and with no regard for me. I needed help and he wasn't going to help. How could I have felt so guilty about leaving and deserting him when he felt nothing about me or my needs/feelings? That's when I decided to leave for good. But, he caught me before I got out the door. Although I was crying and breaking down, instead of trying to comfort me or calling someone to come help in some way, he knocked me down and dragged me across the carpeting and into the bedroom, closed the door and locked me in. I was about to try to crawl out the window when he opened the door and started begging in a yelling, demanding way that I stay, and the more I tried to get past him and out, the more he shoved and pushed. It's when I told him I had to go to the bathroom and he finally agreed to let me that I got to push him just enough to run away and out of the house. The whole separation and divorcing ordeal that followed, which included a complete breakdown and hospitalization for me, was the hardest ride I've ever been on. Yet, I still struggled with feelings of guilt and failure, took some of the blame, and attempted to salvage a friendship with him. What do you think he did during that whole time? He managed to get away with the smallest amount of alimony that he could possibly pay, to create difficult hurdles, and not to give me one more thing or cent than he absolutely had to. When he learned I really was sick, it made no difference what-so-ever. So, except for the clothes on my back (and a few more things I managed to get with my lawyer's help), I got nothing. So, I know it hurts and I know how emotions can make us keep going back and hoping and drowning, but if you really stop and think about it, who WANTS to love a liar? Who has EVER dreamed of sharing a life with an abuser? Who WISHES for a relationship with someone who can be so mean, selfish, and hateful? So, even though there WAS a love felt with a person who was so much a different person at the time, you realize it isn't what it was anymore. Yet, the darn heart within you wants him back in your life or at least yearns for a return to the way it used to be. You, too, feel a sense of guilt and fear and failure, just like I did...but you KNOW that he's not the man you believed he would be for you...so, I can't help but believe that you really don't want the person that he IS as the love of your life. And that, queenie, is nothing to be ashamed of! You should be thankful for the revelation before the hurt and suffering got any worse!
Thank you for sharing your story with me. I have been overwhelmed with guilt over leaving my husband. He has played the "poor pitiful me" role for the past year and a half. Those that are outside peering in can't imagine we were ever married,much less for so many years. He and one of our sons can't grasp reality. It's as if they think it will go away if they ignore it.
My counselor commented that the girls - and I are handling all of these changes well; it's the guys in the family that can't cope - so that should tell me where the role model is. That comforted me some, for I know (most of the time very assuredly) that this is the right choice for all of us. But it hurts to see the people you care about suffer. It's hard not to feel guilty over that.
But he didn't seem to feel too guilty when our family antics and dysfunction drove me to a "major depressive episode" (nervous breakdown." He was here to babysit and tend to us, but never attempted to understand why things were so bad.
What's so very sad is the man that fathered my children, the man I gave 27 years of my life to, isn't the cause of my heartache. I feel like I'm betraying a failed marriage because I feel no guilt over it. All I feel is heartache for someone who will never be.
(For those do-gooders that might read this: my marriage was long over before "someone" entered into my life. If my marriage had been healthy and supportive and not driven by chaos and turmoil, I wouldn't be where I am today. It took a LOT of courage to give up on what I've invested over half of my life in.)