Someday you will find someone who is available to love you in that same way... the way you deserve to be loved. comment left by mellowde on frognetic's blog. (Hope you girls don't mind
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It seems that all of us who end up in affairs are looking for that elusive "something." We don't know what it is we are looking for, and still can't quite put a finger on it when we find "it."
The statement above hits the nail on the head for me. I was in search of acceptance, reassurance, and friendship when my affair started. My real world was draining the life right out of me. My heart was walled away, my soul felt as it it was withering away more and more every day. It didn't take much encouragement on either of our parts for our illicit relationship to begin. He was needing the same things. We were world's apart in class, life experiences, etc., but so alike inside. We quenched our thirst for what was lacking in our lives with each other. To have finally found someone who got me, who cared about me, who pushed me, who wouldn't put up with my crap seemed like a fairytale - if I ignored the spouses, kids, coworkers and friends.
We were so caught up in each other that it didn't matter - well it did, but we thought we were invincible and no one would find out. WRONG. Many people got hurt by our actions, but no more so than he and I. I can't speak for him, but I still ache for his voice, his smile, his friendship - and yes, his touch.
Resigning myself to the fact that "it" will never be between he and I has taken a long time. The fairytale fantasy took me to places I never knew existed within myself. The reality that those emotions, feelings, understanding are gone for good is harsh and bitter.
What did I learn from this experience? I learned how to love, how to open my heart up to someone, to trust, to feel (bittersweet, that one). I learned that I was loveable.
4 comments on Affairs of the Heart
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This awareness will enable you to recognize when love comes again. All our experiences teach us something about ourselves, our lives, and our relationships-- difficult lessons many times but beneficial in their own way.
Great post! I really believe that to be true. You summed it up perfectly with, "But at least loving him showed me what I needed." (And I'm flattered you borrowed by comment!
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Inspiring...the words i needed.
-Adeem
Just remember that you were always capable of loving and being loved, to open up your heart and to be drawn into another person's heart, etc. It did take the love of that person (in your affair) to discover it, to see it, but it didn't MAKE it so. It didn't make you be that person. You were (and are) already capable of love and opening your heart and loving life, he helped prove that something that you just didn't know or feel before. Which means you don't have to be in a fantasy world, you don't have to be off in a fairytale somewhere...you are that person anyway.
If you can only see it and feel it in that fantasy-type of relationship, then it IS only a fantasy, meaning it really isn't real because it was void of the real realities of life, such as kids and work and times such as these. That means the whole things was only a dream. But, I think it really was more than just a dream because you have dealt with reality and you certainly do know the difference between fantasy and reality.
So, you really did learn some lessons. "He" not only taught you what you say he taught you, but "he" also brought you back to reality and now you are here to face it. The caring, loving, happy person that he helped you to see and be has proven you have all those things that you want in real life. You want those things to be real and that's how you want to be and feel in reality. So, you are ready for it!
You know you can feel AND have those things...along with the other important things like commitment and responsibilities. What will make it possible for you to succeed in reality this time is the realization of all you are and having "that" with you in reality.
It may have been wrong to have that affair, but you have learned a great deal more than just what you FEEL...you have also learned that you possess all that you wanted to KNOW about yourself, that YOU REALLY ARE REAL!!!
So, watch out world! Here comes a caring, loving, emotional-embodying woman who KNOWS who she is and what she is capable of, so she's going to be embracing life and milking it for everything she deserves! And, all her friends will be supporting her and celebrating with her all the way so that anyone or anything that may try to cheat her out if it will be faced and tackled without breaking her spirit! It's time, girl, to show us, and to show YOURSELF what you learned! (It'll take time, but so does everything that really matters, but once you get the ball rolling, the momentum of it all will take over!)