I've started journaling a bit, just to give my blogster friends a breather from the depressing and chaotic life of Queenie - the nameless, faceless, quote queen.
I often wonder if I should have kept my old life. I had grandious delusions that I could somehow change my life to reflect the person that has been locked inside of me for my entire life.
In my past life, I was never alone, but always lonely. I was financially secure, but emotionally starved. I was sad on the inside, but witty on the outside.
My house was never peaceful. Now it is too quiet. I never had any time to myself. Now I don't want to be by myself.
The divorce is drawing to an end this month - if all goes as planned. He's convinced my children and anyone else that will listen that I am getting everything, he is "just" getting our businesses, which supported our family for years. He's still trying to make me the bad guy.
The money I end up with will be all that I ever have. Anything that I earn will hopefully be enough to support my daughters and me. He will continue making the same amount of money for as long as he owns our businesses. Thankfully, I had prepared a spreadsheet with our divisions, so I was able to show- in black and white- my children that I am coming out far behind. Then they question why I am settling for less than half. Because I'm just weary of this - and he wore me down. He and his vicious, vile lawyer knew eventually I would wear down. My lawyer is just ready to get it over with. I think he's sick of it all.
I can't even write a check for groceries out of our joint business account. I don't understand. I know the laws in Texas say that everything is community property until the divorce is final. But hubby and his lawyer act like I'm not allowed to touch our business community assets because he's getting them in the settlement.
My garage door broke this afternoon. My alarm system has gone haywire. I need the exterminator to come spray for wood ants. My house insurance is due. I still have doctor's bills due and more to incur. My 7 yo wants to go to the beach this summer, and doesn't understand why I don't have the money to take her.
The only reason hubby is paying my health insurance for a year is because it is tied into the loan he has taken out to pay me off in the settlement. (family deal - he couldn't do it on his own.)
I have to be rid of the man I love - for good. He is not healthy for me. In my journaling, I reread what I've written and I feel so stupid - and violated. I am responsible for my actions, but he has taken advantage of me and my kindness and my feelings for him - not to mention my emotional instability.
I know if he loved me, he wouldn't want me to hurt like I do. He would have bought me a gift - a trinket - after all this time. He would have cared enough to check on me during my medical procedures of late. If he loved me------IF, IF, IF.....
Except for my beautiful children - my marriage was a total waste of my life. He hasn't surprised me with his actions, but he has disappointed me and hurt me. No parent should ever pit their kids against the other parent. So, a total dating and married time of 27 years has been a waste of my life.
The past almost two years I have spent foolishly thinking with my heart.
I really don't need any more life lessons for awhile. I actually much preferred not knowing anything about life. Now I know too much.
As Garth says "I'm way too young to feel this damn old."
6 comments on I'm way too young to feel this damn old
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What a great quote... you really are the queen of quotes and I love it! I'm so sorry j'man doesn't love you the way you deserve. I hope in time you and I can both look back on all of this and be greatful for the new and happy life that we have waiting for us!
I think we may have ourselves a manager Queenie! Donna is all in favor of our book and poetry ideas. Check out the comments on my blog! Too funny and way fun!
I am so sorry. I think that your lawyer hung you out to dry. I would have found the meanest SOB that I could possibly find and would have ended up with half of the business, at least. This is terrible! Not only did he step all over your emotions, he has ground his heel into your Financial security. He is a prick!
WAy back, I think we settled on dickhead. But prick works too. HE found the meanest, vilest bitch around.....but I tried to do the right thing and am not ashamed of any of my actions throughout the divorce. If I thought he had a concsious, I don't think he could sleep at night.
Thanks for the support
Queenie, there are times that even I don't know what to say. This is one of those times.
I've been there, but I didn't have children to have to worry about and find a way to explain to them why things were changing or feeling scared and uneasy about their welfare and quality of life. I don't know what to say...honestly, I don't...maybe my honesty in admitting that sometimes there are no words to explain or that will work will confirm how very awful all of this has been and is, and why you feel the way you do.
I think it stinks...I mean really stinks!...that you are being screwed out of your rightful share! Even if you are willing to give up the fight...that should mean for going for anything more or extra...but not fighting means you will "settle" for just the expected rightful share. And, you are not getting that? I'm sorry because I do not call people names, but there is a name for your soon-to-be-ex. Oh, we can say the same for the lawyer, but hey, we all know that's a lawyer's job. So, why in hell isn't your lawyer doing the same job? Hmmm, now that I think of it, mine didn't either. That didn't make things too good for me, either. But, queenie, I made it, so you will, too. "Things" still ain't wonderful in as many ways as I would like them to be, but do you know what? I'm really at peace with myself, with all that happened, and with life. It took awhile but suddenly I realized that I was really happier and a whole hell of a lot better a person. You will be, too, after you get yourself out of all of this.
Well, I guess for somebody who didn't have anything to say, I certainly have been doing a lot of talking. Am I at least echoing your feelings? Have I at least offered some hope? At least then I will know that I've at least shared with you...seeing as how I can't seem to be of any real help.
Queenie, it's all been made even harder for you than it has to be. Once again, though, that isn't your fault. Don't ever forget that the real badness and the cause of un-due suffering has not been because of you. You will make it...I KNOW you will! You may not believe it now, but you will see. You know, there is a quote here that I can offer...
"When you're down at the bottom, the only way to go is up."
If my words of encouragement can be of any help at all, then I will stay right here and talk my ass off! Queenie, someone out there might really not like you, but there are a lot of people who do. You might be getting short-changed, but it's time to be rid of the bad that is the root of all this so you can focus on the good and positive. How else would you ever even have a chance at it? You've got to believe that, and if you can't really feel that yet, then I am going to believe it so strongly that there will be enough to push you until you believe it yourself.
Now, you are going to seriously consider working on a book with our froggy friend, right? Think of the possibilities...but, also think about the WHY you should try. Besides, she needs some help, too. You'd be helping a friend...a friend who is also so very much willing to help you. Just think about it if you can...when you can.
and *HUGS*
You have no idea how much your advice, kind words, and straight-talk mean to me.....
I know I am better off without my husband. I honestly don't think I would have lived another five years had I stayed in that situation.
Through this, I've realized how much my parents love me - in their own special way. I've realized I have the very best friend a person could ever hope for. I've realized how strong I really am and that I am a good role model for my daughters.
I've excaberated this situation by leading a forbidden life, being led strictly by my heart. He taught me much - more than I wanted, but all lessons I needed to know.
In my marriage, I lived without feeling. In my forbidden life, I lived with feelings only. I've learned there has to be a middle ground in all things.
I doubt j reads my blog, but if he does, thanks for teaching me about the shades of grey.